I Just Want to Talk

Hello. It's been a while and lot has happened both personally and professionally. I'd love to sit and talk about that but maybe some other time. This blog isn't for mass consumption. This post isn't getting shared at least not by me. I'm writing today simply because I have things I want to say but not sure I have anybody I really want to say it to. I've talked too much in 35 years and over and over again people have listened and for that I will always be grateful. But, finding words lately has been difficult. Emotions have been mixed and thoughts have been jumbled. There were times where I couldn't talk if I wanted to.

 Yesterday was election day and for many it was the most important day in their lives. For me, it just meant three months since I lost my friend and mentor Keith Roberts. I was hoping that I would find my way back to a semblance of normalcy and sometimes I swear I'm getting there but there are still many moments where I feel rudderless. For 20 years he was always there to give me direction, to show me the way. I always knew in a moment he could make sense out of nonsense and get me back to the smoother waters. When he passed, I obviously cried but the numbness took over more often than not. I kept thinking this was some version of the "upside-down" from Stranger Things and that my phone would buzz again at 9:30pm like clockwork. The phone is silent.....It's always silent and in that silence, the most profound and harshest truth is spoken....life is short. Not only is it short but it's cruel and unfair.

I feel guilty saying that but I sometimes it's all I have. I've never felt grief in this way. People use to tell me it hurts and to be honest, I never understood that. When my grandparents passed I was sad of course but it didn't hurt. I miss them but they got to run their course right to the end. They did everything they were put here to do. It never hurt and I continued on with life. I get it now. Maybe it's the suddenness of it. Maybe it's the manor in which he passed. Maybe it's the fact that I didn't have time to prepare my emotions. Maybe it's because we had so much more to do. Whatever the reason, I get it now. It hurts.

He's still around me. I feel it. At least that's what I tell myself even though I don't always believe it. I have to keep saying it because I have to believe there is more to life than this. That you are not just here and then you are gone. I don't know.

Thanks for the time.